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「死」を考える

久しぶりに逢った友人との会話。

半年程も前、ココログに移る前にMyprofileでBlogを書いていた頃のこと。
あたしの「biography」を見た彼女と、やはり「死」を話したことがある。
その彼女は、自分の「死」を考えたときに、「戒名」で悩んだそうだ。
あたしは「遺言」や「形見分け」で悩んだ。
「死」という一つの事象に対し、そのベクトルが自分に向くのか、周囲の人に向くのか、人によって違うのね、という話題だったのだが。
そこから波及して、「告知」の是非(例えば癌の場合とか・・)とか、「死ぬまでにナニをするか」といった話に至った。

あたしは、告知して欲しいと思っている。
なぜなら、死ぬとなれば「負の遺産」を片付けなければならないから。
その時間がどれほどあるのかはわからない。
たとえ1日でも2日でもあるなら、やっておきたいことはある。
が、しかし、それは死ぬと決まってからではなく、日々片付けておけばいいことのような気もする。
それができずにいるのは、やはり「執着心」があるから。
「生への執着」というよりは、単純な「物欲」のような気もするが(笑

昨日友人にも言ったのだが、実はあたしはいつ死んでもいいと思っている。
自分から死にたいと思ってるわけではないが、万が一事故や病気で死ぬことになっても、「まだ死にたくない!」とか「遣り残したことが!」という執着心が余りない。
できれば両親の後ではありたいと思っているのだが、それは両親へのせめてもの恩返しであって、特段それにあたし自身が執着しているという事ではない。

そりゃ「死」そのものに対する恐怖心はある。
痛いとか苦しいとかいうのは嫌だ。
出来ることなら、そういうものを感じずに、気づいたら死んでいたというのが有難い。(死んでから気づくのか?w
しかし、そういう意味での恐怖心は別として、自分の時間が止まってしまうという意味での「死」には、さして抵抗感がない。
その理由を友達に語りながら考えていたのだが。

・子供がいないこと。
 死んでから思いを残すような相手がいないから生に執着がない。
 (夫は大人だから勝手に再婚でもなんでもするだろうw)
・どうしても叶えたい夢がないこと。
 ハリウッドスターになりたいとか、事業を成功させたいとか、学者としてノーベル賞が欲しいとか、全然ないw
・得たい結果のために我慢したり努力していることがないこと。
 家を建てるために、買いたいものも買わず、行きたい旅行にも行かず、爪に火を灯して貯金していたり、大学に入るために遊びたいのも我慢して勉強ばかりしていたり、ダイエットや健康のために食べたいものも食べず、飲みたい酒や煙草も我慢して、結果を出せる前に死んだら悔しいだろうなぁ。。。
・やりたいことはまぁまぁ満足できる程度にはやってきたこと。
 ま、やりたいことも行きたい場所も食べたいものも欲しいものもまだまだあるが、欲を言えばきりがない(笑
 「我唯足知」の境地には至ってませんがw

志が低いのかもしれないが、「まぁ、楽しい人生だったよ」と死ねるだけのことはやってきたような気がしている。
生きていればいただけ、きっと楽しいことも辛いことも悲しいこともあるだろう。
それは経験してみたいが、今未来を失ってしまっても、特段後悔したり思い残すこともない。
これは幸せなことなんだろうか?
母に言われた「生きてるだけじゃダメなのよ」の声が脳裏をかすめる。
死んでも惜しくない生って、まさに生きてるだけなのかも^^;
友人には「今」を楽しむ才能を持った生き方だからじゃない?と言われたのだが。

「今」できることはできる限りやる。
「今」欲しいものは持てる力を総動員して手に入れる。
「今」手が届かないものは高望みしないし執着しない。
「今」与えられた環境や人脈はフルに活用する。
「今」楽しめることは満喫する。

あたしの人生は「今」の繋がりなのかもしれない。

・・・・・・・・・きりぎりす、かよ^^;

寒い中でひもじくて死ぬキリギリスは嫌だが、夏の間働きづめで冬になる前に死ぬアリもヤだ(´ ▽`).。o○

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Comments

トラックバックありがとうございます。
それにしても幅広い活躍ですね。
僕は不器用でなかなか思うように生きられません。
最近は、短歌を絵手紙に書いて、妻や子供、友人に送りつけています。将来の形見の押し付けみたいです。
これからも時々サイト覗かせてもらいますね。

Posted by: 夕日の癌MAN | September 15, 2004 at 08:16 PM

TB戴いておきながらお邪魔するのが遅れてしまいました。
コメントありがとうございます♪

体調のほうはいかがでしょうか?
Blogで拝見する限りではまるで病気の存在そのものが、誤診・・というと語弊があるので「嘘」のような話に思えてならないのですが^^;
もしかしたら、自覚症状がなく健康(?)な状態のまま、ずっとお過ごしになられ、気づいたら100歳になってた♪なんていうBlogを書かれる日がくるのかもしれませんね♪
そうであって欲しいと祈っております^^

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